"How's my
driving? Compliment or complaint."
I figure this world is backwards. When we're doing OK, or good even, no
one stops to notice. But the moment you screw up, there's people
practically lined up to tell us just how terrible we really are.
I'm willing to bet that just about no one ever calls to compliment
those drivers.
Well, I have a cell phone. So I did.
It only took 2 minutes and 36 seconds.
I hope the world isn't too backwards that the company doesn't tell the
drivers the good bits, because I'm pretty sure it'll make him smile.
from a
letter to a friend
I like to smile when I'm all alone. Last night, I felt spontaneously
like running in the sprinklers. So at midnight and some, I dressed
in ratty clothing and ran and frolicked and dance and spun and I
giggled and laughed and smiled so much. All alone. I owned the
world. I owned the wetness. It was mine and I loved it. How I
relish the sleeping world because it is free for the taking! And the
only one that takes is me. I stood beneath a streetlight and stared
up at the droplets pouring down on me and all I could feel was deep,
pit of heart glee, bliss, joy. God laughed with me and I laughed
really.
Sometimes you laugh at jokes and it is good. Sometimes you laugh at
not funny jokes and it is fake. Sometimes you laugh at evil and it
is wrong. But last night, it was absolute pure laughter like
mountain spring water.
God made mountains. God made spring water. God made mountain spring
water laughter.
And I'm so glad.
I like to eat
popcorn while I watch movies. Entertainment and consumption. They go hand
in hand. As he sat in front of the glass, nonchalantly munching on tasties,
watching me... I got this distinct and disconcerting feeling that the
monkey gaped at me and not the other way around.
But but but! I'm the human! That makes me the spectator and not the
spectacle, right?
And yet... It was the human sitting cross-legged on the floor trying to
balance a plastic cup on his head. It was the humans tripping over
themselves in violent attempts to get a better view. It was the humans
dressed in ridiculous brightly colored garments.
Animals seem so much more down-to-earth. They exist in their nudity and
their habitat with almost complete disregard for the factions of this
world. Maybe our deep seeded desire to be as they are is what makes
watching them such a captivating experience. Who wouldn't want to be
without obligation? without constraint? without clothing?
Sitting opposite a happy, naked monkey and watching him as he watched me,
I had to wonder: who's really in the cage?
from a
letter to a dear friend
You know... if I always opened the Bible with a strong conviction that it
is going to change my life in this very moment, I think reading the Bible
would be so much more exciting for me.
Last night, I found a lot of verses that told me that I have already BEEN
redeemed. That I have already died to myself. And it made me feel really
glad to be forgiven. Really glad to have been bathed in a bubble bath of
God's grace and mercy. "Because of his great love for us, God, who is
RICH in mercy, made us ALIVE with Christ even when we were dead in
transgressions." And then in Colossians, it says, "When you were
dead...God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins...he
took it away, nailing it to the cross...he made a public spectacle of
them, triumphing over them by the cross."
Isn't that neat? He actually made "a spectacle" of them. God and
I can pop in a DVD with all my sins on them and we can LAUGH at them
together, while sharing a bowl of popcorn, because it's behind me. He
canceled my sins, took away what was against me, and nailed it to the
cross with his son.
Scott, this is the most simple truth. I learned this when I was 3.
The first thing you learn is the first thing you forget, I suppose. I
forget this all the time.
Just like I beat myself up physically when I'm dumb, I do that a lot
mentally. I have given myself a million psychological black eyes.
I think it's time I started accepting god's grace and salvation.
That's a very happy truth, isn't it?
Tonight when I
was cutting watermelon, I cut off the ends because there really wasn't
much fruit on the ends. I went to throw that bit away when I saw how much
fruit there really was and I thought of all the many children who would
really relish that watermelon. I felt so hypocritical and spoiled. In
debate, we talk about the poor and the hungry, the sad and the dying... we
talk and we talk as if we meant it. And then we do things like
throw away perfectly good watermelon. So all a sudden, I had a good idea.
Nay. A Good Idea. When I have a family, we will keep track of how much
money we spend on food and just operate normally for a while -- doing our
normal wasteful things like letting food go bad or not eating leftovers. Then,
we will eliminate those wasteful things and see how much money we save. I
bet it's a bunch. Then, we sent that money to a foreign country
mission so that people can eat. It puts a new face on the reprimand,
"Eat those peas! There are children starving in Africa!" because
you actually do something about it. I think it's a good idea.
I told my mom and she said I should let her know when I implement it and
it works.
You know what's stupid though? I could be doing stuff like that now. I
really could be. What if I took all the money I spend on snacks and sent
that to a mission. It's something. Something over my nothings.
I took one of those dumb personality tests the other day. It was dumb,
except for the 27th or 28th question. That really got me thinking.
Which determines your priorities:
your current obligations, or
the legacy you hope to leave?
I thought: woah. What if... what if I lived my life to leave a
legacy? What would I do differently? A lot of things, I bet.
When I was in Willamette at debate camp, it was as though life was debate.
But life is so much more than that, you know? Too often I think we start
to think that life is life. Wow. That doesn't make sense. OK, it's when we
start to believe that all of This matters. Life is school. Life is food.
Life is eating, drinking, working, sleeping, cleaning, walking, bills,
obligations, church... on and on. Life isn't about the things we do,
really. But they so occupy us. It's hard -- really hard -- to remember
when I'm at Willamette that life exists outside debate. It's hard --
really hard -- for me to realize that life exists outside all the crap I
do to fill my time.
Sometimes we get so caught up in fighting our mini-battles that we forget
why we're fighting the war.
I love kids.
Little girls especially. They're all so uniquely designed and so uniquely
pretty. They have a softness which is probably glued to their naïveté.
We stopped at Skip's sister's house and met his family. 2 girls (Alicia
& Jessie) and 1 boy (James). They were shy, but so cute. It was really
interesting to sit in on Skip's 44th birthday party. Jessie gave him a
whole collection of items which were so clearly so cool in her 8-year-old
eyes, but would probably be considered junk if the gift has been given
anonymously.
It was a comfortable family with napping snowmen made out of Daddy's new
socks and a cake that got stuck to the bottom of the pan. Lots of
laughter, a beautiful untogether together family.
I thought it was very interesting to see Skip's connection to his family.
It was weird because, you know, to those kids he's "Uncle
Skipper." To us, he's "Skip the debate coach." To his
sister, "Brother Skip" and to his mom, "Son Skip." And
it gives people perspective on the entirety of a person. No one just
fills the role you see them in. No one is just a sister or a friend or a
teacher. It's hard to recognize that. It really is. Life revolves around
me and so all things must be as I see them.
I was thinking the other night that choosing a color for my car is a big
deal. It will always be that way. And it occurred to me that it would be
cool if our cars could change colors depending on what we wanted to see.
That could work, too, because color is only what we perceive it to be.
They could hook it up to reflect the light in peculiar way so that it's
versatile. Hm. OK, so that doesn't work out well. But it was an idea.
"You don't see the color, the color sees you."
Da na na.
"I LOVE MAMA" reads the spray paint on the side of the barn
shed.
Alicia followed us out to the front door and stood around shyly. She put a
ring in my hand really suddenly and whispered, "this is for
you."
I thought, I love little girls especially.
There are a lot
of good excuses in the world. "There was traffic!" "They
take after their mother." "I'm nearsighted." But I am
especially cynical of the excuse "I don't have time."
What's that supposed to mean, anyway? "I don't have time to hang out
with you tonight" is really just a way to say, "I value what I'm
doing tonight more than I value your company." And you know what?
That's cool. If you have to finish an essay, you have to finish an essay.
But it's not a matter of not having time. We all have time.
The question is, time to do what? play video games? work? eat? Time to do
what.
What is time worth? Time is "worth money," certainly. But time
really has no intrinsic worth. It's value is only as valuable as what you
do with it. Time spent on things of this world is ultimately a sand
castle. Temporary, dirty, ever self-destructing with even a gentle breeze.
It begs a deeper question. A question of values. A question of meaning,
life, purpose. What is worth spending our precious nickels of time?
We spend time on school. A whole lot of time on school, education, and
learning. We go to school so that we can go to college. We go to college
so that we can get a good job. We get a good job so that we can make good
money and buy things. Things! There is zero value in things. Things break.
Things are misplaced. Things are stolen. Things are replaceable.
Life is but a dream within a dream within a dream. One thing in order to
achieve another thing in order to achieve another thing. One day Scott
said to me that his life consists only of micro-goals and I told him that
I, his friend, his sister, am not a means to another larger goal. That's
why Kant could conclude that people are ends in themselves.
I am valuable by virtue of being created. People are the only thing worth
anything on this earth. That makes me an anthropocentric human and so be
it.
A lot of times,
I feel like this is the best time of my life. Right now, right here, with
not too great responsibilities, with not too great weight, with not too
great wrinkles, with not too great physical limitations, with not too
great knowledge. Life is so in-between now. I relish the in-between. Not a
kid, not an adult... perfect. Right?
Every age has its drawbacks and drawforwards.
When I was small, I had no real independence and I had no real
responsibilities. Oh, so I have a bike. But if I get a flat tire, it only
means I can't go out and play with my bike that day. The
consequences are unimpressive. They affect me and only me. In fact, life
is about me and only me.
And that's easy.
My responsibilities are becoming larger and larger. With a car, I can
break poles and cars and bones. With a job, people with children and pets
depend on me. That's scary.
While I fear the future, I see also, when watching my parents look back on
their past, that it gets better. I am not responsible fully for children
or pets or boy. They cannot give me migraines or bills. But they also
cannot give me laughter. They cannot bring me joy. They cannot encourage
and delight me. They do not exist.
It makes me see that every part of life has a unique flavor. The pineapple
of my past is becoming a little more plumb and has yet to be peach. After
so much pineapple, everyone is ready for a little variety.
And that's why Ben Folds was wrong. It doesn't suck to grow up.
It's...adventurous. Twists and shouts and excitement.
With people and new moons and tides, there is change. With change, there
is hope. With hope, life is a Ritz cracker and the possibilities are
endless.
If that doesn't excite you, go jump off a bridge. That's exciting too.
I want to be
like the waves. They are so beautiful sparkling with the reflection of the
dawn or the dusk or the noonday starlight. They speak softly, so soothing
the rushing murmur of a quiet river. They only speak when necessary and
very few listen to their secrets. They rise high and crash and fall. They
die, in every minute, but in every minute they are reborn. connected.
Ever-becoming and ever-been.
softly, softly
hush little child
rushing like water through the winds
carry me away
another day another way
My dear friend
Austin Hancock got run over by a tractor. Tons of pounds of a solid
mechanical nightmare trying to devour his soul. Try thought it did, it did
not succeed. Austin didn't break a bone. But... how near the hand of
death.
In a way, I envy that he almost died. Isn't that exciting? A miracle of
life! And it means God still has an amazing plan for his life. This is
true of all of us -- every day and with every breath (for each breath is
fragile and at any moment they could be withheld) God is reminding us.
Breathe in. "I still love you." Breathe out. "I have a
fantastic plan for your life." Breathe in. "You are mine!"
Breathe out. "Just wait and see the mysteries unfold."
That is so exciting to me. But it's harder to tell when you haven't
"almost died." We forget. We take each breath for granted. When
you've just almost been crushed by a machine, these things become so much
more apparent. I'm glad for Austin and I'm excited for what God is going
to do with him. I think he's lucky -- but then, I have not had 80% of my
liver severed nor did my summer plans just get thrown to the ground.
But that's exciting too! Every unanticipated event...
Like how I ran into a wooden pole with my car today. It was stupid and it
was panicky because.. gosh, it could cost thousands. But that means God
has some other plan and it's here now and I can be excited for all that I
don't yet see.
Hm.
I wish I always thought like this.
Sometimes I get
the feeling that the world is a giant game of K'nex. You know. That
construction toy with all the connectors and pulleys and gears and wheels
and rods... you can make anything with K'nex. That's the world. Building
self-confidence and inciting creativity. every One. every Thing. every
Place. every Situation. It's all designed in light of a master plan which
only God sees.
You know, if God really preordained everything. If God made us uniquely
who we are. If he made us cognitive and thinking. And arranged that our
environment would develop us and masterfully create us into the person we
are ever becoming... if God did all these things, then he is freaking
genius. And I don't think God minds me saying so. Imagine. Everything in
our environment... EVERYTHING. From the leaves that flutter like
butterflies as I walk by to the woman I said hello to as I mailed a
letter... from the pole I ran into to the music that I am listening to at
this very moment... EVERYTHING has the potential to change who I am.
Everything has the potential and everything does. Each piece of the puzzle
insignificant by its own accord but absolutely essential to the finished
product.
That's life.
And that's genius. How does God keep it all straight? How did he know to
make me run into a pole? How did he see that I should have a bloody hip?
It's mind boggling. It makes me really respect God. I have to worship a
guy like that. I just have to. How could I not?
Sometimes.. a
lot of times, really, I love being helpless. People who are stronger than
me don't need to do things like pray before every single debate round.
But, oh, I am so incredibly weak. In this weakness I become desperate for
Jesus and that's when he can work the most miraculously.
It's not at all impressive that the son of a rich man can go to college.
It is impressive that I can. Because I simply can't. God must make a
miracle for me.
Weak people get more miracles. I'm a miracle whore. :)
Amen.
One kind deed
repays another. Wow. I almost lost Gaylord. I came so, so incredibly
close. He was attached to my bag and he fell off as I was getting off the
plane. I hadn't noticed at all. A woman came and asked me if I had a
stuffed monkey and she had seen it on a seat. I went back. They got it.
But...wow. So so close. I would have been devastated. But as it is, I see
it as a good omen. A blessing. I had been holding my pee for a good long
while. Finally, at Gate 14 (which, ironically, I only went pee at because
waiting for Gaylord had caused me to walk with the Jordan's instead of
going to the first available bathroom), I went into the restroom. I passed
up the first stall because it was not all the way flushed. In the next
stall, I went to close the door and I saw a purse hanging on the wall. I
inquired as to whether it belonged to the only girl in the bathroom. It
did. She had forgotten all about it.
The world is a masterful web full of coincidences which I simply do not
believe in.
"You have
very nice boots." American Man says to Polish Cowboy. It sure sounded
like something else, at first.
I am at the airport. The night never officially ended but I think the
morning begun when my mom came into my room at 5:20 and said to me my
plane actually leaves at 6:25, not 6:45. 2/4... they all look so similar.
In the security check line, a man tried to cut in front by asking the
employee. The first woman was like, "Just cut up front and say please
and thank you's" and so he cut ahead to the next employee and
explained that he was late for his flight and might he cut? No, she said.
that frustrated me. I'm sure a kind soul would've shrugged and turned the
other way. But he asked the employee. Silly man. But as I got through the
checks, I saw that man gallivanting toward his gate which announced that
they were making their last call and he scurried up and made his flight!
Oh, I was excited for him. :) I smiled broadly.
Yay for things coming together.
I want a Mento. Man, those things were marketed well. I can't eat Mentos
without that pleasant feeling that everything is going to be OK. :) Yay
Mentos.
Everyone's got a cell phone these days. On the way to the airport, I was
talking to my parents about how I'm going to need a cell phone plan when I
go to college. I won't be home and people won't be able to contact me. So
I'll need something.
My mom commented that there used to be a time when kids could go out
freely and no one could contact them and it didn't matter.
I responded that it was because no one expected to be able to contact
them. Times have changed.
We're all so immediately connected now. Need to talk to Kirsten? Dial
these 10 digits. If she remembers her cell phone, she's right there.
Despite this immediacy, there is less intimacy. And I think that royally
sucks.
Wow. I'm tired. My eyes are lead.
Airports are cool. Emotion is so obvious. People seem to reduce to their
original state. Everyone's face tells a story. I like that.
But I hate airports for that emotion as well. Always there are loved ones
leaving loved ones or leaving for unanticipated adventures or woefully
returning from them.
There is always a measure of uncertainty when you travel. Even if you are
going home.