I finally took my permit test. I missed 8. Two of the questions I missed were illustrations with the question, "What does this sign mean?" I frankly had no earthly idea.. so I went with what seemed to make sense. For the black cross, I selected "Medical station up ahead." For the two parallel lines with one line breaking and moving a little closer to the second line but then continuing on its parallel way, I selected, "Less lane space up ahead." Of course, they have to go and do things the difficult way. Who woulda thunk that the cross actually meant "Road intersects this road ahead" and the two little lines say "Right lane ends, merge left"? Queer. In my opinion, signs should be made with the least knowledgeable person in mind. After all, there are a lot of idiots on the road with no earthly idea. 

Besides, most of the rest of the world attends to the special needs of idiots. Instructions on an airplane bag of peanuts: "Open bag. Eat nuts." Sticker on public toilet: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." Rock garden: "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." No! Really?

I think it's nice that most kitchen appliances are named so that there is no confusion about what the appliance does. Consider: the "dishwasher." It's not just another noun, folks. It's sending you a message! "This appliance washes dishes." Or how about the "coffee maker"? The gods-that-be could have decided to make up a whole new combination of consonants, but instead, they decided on what was functional and sensible. What better name for an appliance that makes coffee than "coffee maker." These guys are geniuses.

Or at least, they know how to cater to people who aren't.
 

Stop and smell the roses.

08/20/2002

You've likely heard it said: "Stop and smell the roses." It's one of those cool phrases and good ideas that become so overused that they're cliché and thus declared 'silly.' It's really too bad... because smelling the roses is an altogether invigorating experience.

Thursday, I went to Balboa Park with some of my friends. We took a walk around the lovely rose garden. You simply cannot walk in a garden full of roses without stopping to smell a few. Insert nose in flower. Inhale deeply. Ahhhhh. The fragrance is wonderful. 

I've decided that I really enjoy smelling the sweet scent of a rosebud. It's this wonderful-ness that only can last for seconds. You can't have your nose buried in its petals all day, after all. I'd imagine if you did have your nose buried in its petals all day, it wouldn't be nearly so delicious. But those few seconds where you inhale for the first time... bliss.

So if you have over 1000 miles separating you and your loved one, just know that those few seconds of the beautiful fragrance wouldn't be half as beautiful if you had it all the time. Appreciate the succinctness of the event.
 

August

08/6/2002

I woke up yesterday and realized, it's August.  This might not seem like such an astonishing accomplishment to you, and truly, it isn't one to me.  I just thought it was funny that I had to "realize" it.  See, I've been literally counting down the day until August 12th since mid-July.  One would think I would have noticed August's presence since I had been watching for it so diligently.  But I didn't.  I guess sometimes when I'm looking forward to things... I forget to look forward to moment I have right in front of me... and the moment after that... and the moment after that, and so on and so forth.

It's funny, that kind of thing.  I haven't written any queer or intelligent ramblings since mid-June.  I just never sat down and actually thought.  Sometimes I think it's important to clear life's distractions so that I can really just sit and think.  

That's why I'm here now.  Outside. The summer stars above me.  The crickets chirping around me.  The night's air engulfing me.  Ah, but the still of the night.  The medium is right for intellectual rambling.  Hm...  There are an awful lot of strange noises for its being the still of the night.  Eh, the urban jungle.  I think I'll go inside now.
 

Road trip

06/15/2002

I think it'd be way fun to take a road trip where the entire journey was the only destination. So you could drive through the Rockies, and hey, those Alpine slides look like fun. You do it. You see a creek running through a ravine in the Grand Canyon. You stop and go for a swim. Climb the face of a cliff. Find out where that trail leads to. Take the detours no one ever takes because they're all in a hurry to get to where they want to be. My idea of a road trip is wherever you go is where you mean to be. All you'd need is a good friend, a sturdy car, gas and food money, and a healthy supply of underwear.
 

Discourse on My Abilities

06/14/2002

Most things come easily to me... at least, that's what I've pretty much always believed, but I think that's only half the truth. Like guitar, for instance, my cousin has been trying to pick it up for over 6 months and I've been learning for 2... but I'm am obviously way more skilled at guitar that he is. Did I learn quickly? Well, yes, but I also pushed myself. I read up on guitar techniques, chord formation, I quizzed my guitar-playing friends about things I didn't understand, and most importantly, I practiced like hell. I got it, but it was hard and took a bit of effort. 

This kind of devoted effort I put into everything I do. Consequently and also probably due to natural ability, I'm good at just about everything. This may come across as disgusting conceit, but I don't see it like that at all. I understand that my intrinsic worth as a person doesn't lie in what I can or cannot do. 

Everything about me was designed in light of a greater, immalleable plan of God. Each facet of my person is necessary for me to fulfill God's purpose for my life. The cool part is that every facet of your personal is needed for you to fulfill God's different, but equally perfect, purpose for your life.

So, so what if you can build boats but I can only build web pages? We're both equally able to fulfill God's purpose for our lives, despite these different skills. With this knowledge, I don't consider any on my individual characteristics as having any inherent worth or as being better than anyone else's. I'm actually very nonchalant about my abilities. Some people might consider this haughty because they think abilities are something special. They aren't. Of course, I say this in my capableness. Maybe things would be different if I were a paraplegic... but still, it doesn't seem to me possible to change the unshakable truth that God has a perfect will and a plan for everyone's life. We can all attain that and that's the only thing that has any intrinsic value.
 

Cloudscapes

06/14/2002

I really dig looking for things in the clouds. Upon first glace, you see 'cloud' and if you try to see something besides that, you might see some face with an irregular nose or something. But if you continue to look and try to open you mind to the endless possibilities, you just get it. It practically hits you like a freight train would if you were skipping on the tracks. Bam. It's an alligator, duh. I saw and angel with her mandolin earlier. One day when I get a boyfriend, we're going to look at clouds together.
 

Magic Monkeys

06/13/2002

I think monkeys have magical therapeutic powers. I adore them. Though I feel tired, sick, and frustrated, picking up my stuffed monkey immediately aroused a smile to my lips. Uncanny, no? A stuffed monkey can sooth tired souls better than any other inanimate object. 

Real monkeys are as delicious. Once I sat with this guy in front of the monkey exhibit at the zoo for about an hour. It was so lovely. Monkeys amuse and soothe and delight their audiences like no other animal can. I mean, imagine watching a turtle or an elephant or a rhinoceros for an hour. I ask you, what's to watch? They rarely "have interrelations," they don't throw poo at one another, they don't play on branches or even scamper about. Monkeys rule the animal kingdom.
 

Hostess Snacks

06/12/2002

You gotta hand it to Hostess. They hit upon a stroke of manufacturing genius. They took chocolate cake and cream and put them together. Mm boy. For this we have Ho-Hos... but not just Ho-Hos. Here's where the manufacturing genius comes in. They took the exact same ingredients and made two other confectionary delights! 'Ding dongs' and 'Cupcakes.' How do they do it?! 

The funny thing is...people get so attached and loyal to their particular favorite Hostess treat. For example, I truly dig Ho-Hos, but I honest quite dislike Ding Dongs and Cupcakes. Whyever for? I believe the answer lies in the proportion and not just in my head. Dunno, all I know is Ho-Hos rock but...

No matter how much I think I want it, no matter how hungry I am, it still remains to be told that two Ho-Hos is one Ho-Ho too many. 
 

The color brown

06/10/2002

Brown sure got the short end of the stick when it came to pigment combination. It's got the best of all worlds, cause we know if you mix all the primary colors, you get brown. Despite "having it all" brown is really a very ugly color. Think about it. No one's favorite color is brown. Blue, green, red, maybe, but not brown. Brown is the least favored color in the Crayola Classic 8 box. Brown is getting booted from the M&M bag to be replaced by a more beautiful color. Brown is the universal color of dooky. 

The moral of the story: Sometimes "having it all" isn't having what's best.
 

To be a snake

06/9/2002

Do you suppose it bothers snakes that they have to slither around on their stomachs? Snakes used to have legs, you know. After Satan embodied himself as a serpent, fed the fruit to Eve, and caused the utter demolition of mankind, God told Satan, "Because you have done this, curse are you above all the livestock and all the wild animals. You will crawl on your belly...all the days of your life." And he said it as though it were a bad thing, and honestly, it doesn't sound too terribly wonderful -- slithering around on your stomach all day. Oh, sure, it's fun once in a while. But all the time? I'd get pretty sick of it.

So my question is this, do snakes wish they had legs? Do they look at all the other animals with covetous eyes? do the snakes ever speak of Satan with disdain in their voice? "Why oh why did he have to embody himself as a snake? Why couldn't he have chosen to become an elephant or a kangaroo?! Damn Satan! Damn him to hell!"
 

Seventeen

06/9/2002

When I was 15, I felt as though I had lost my identity. I tried to find myself in friends and in a boy and in everything EXCEPT me. By the time I was 16, I felt as though I had a better idea of who I was... but I still couldn't put my finger on it and I wanted so to understand who I was. A few months later, I realized I could never truly understand all of who I am. It's impossible. So I stopped trying. And I became complacent.

It is impossible for me to completely know myself or completely be honest with myself... but even though I can't ever attain this, I have to keep striving for it. By this I mean challenging myself. Complacency, apathy, laziness, these things dig the hole for my coffin. I need to challenge myself to think analytically about everything. Sounds a lofty goal? I believe it is... I think it will get easier if I train myself to look at things from every angle. Sometimes I am so close-minded.

I want to seek the truth and I want to encourage others to do so. I want to make myself a better person in Christ. I want to know myself, my abilities, and be able to use what I know to impact the world. "Knowledge is power, and knowledge of yourself is the greatest power you have."

It's an interesting thing to grow up. I have a lot of hope for the future right now. God's beginning to show me what things are important and I'm "capitalizing" on them. I discard the more frivolous enjoyments of youth and seek the deeper joy of truly experiencing God and his plan for my life. I'm eager to continue to grow and change and become who I should be.