A collection of my poetry and prose.  Mostly incomprehensive... but if you can get it, you get 3 points and as we all know, first to 10,000 points wins!

mirror mirror on the wall, don't bother to reply.
i recognize--and resent--my present appearance.
i sing songs of snow white fairy tales,
princesses pure and white,
but this night i realize contrast of reality and fantasy
see my dirt against their purity
my filthy state of reality.
i'm not a princess, but no one sees past my tinfoil crown.
why can't anyone see this smile hangs upside down?
i frown. i drown. drawn suffocating in the 
thrashing crashing waves of my own salt water ocean
mirror mirror on the wall, i wish you had hands to slap me for talking to inanimate objects.
i object to this insanity. i object to my delusionary mind.
to the lies. to the silent cries.
to my pathetic tries that fail time after time after time
is it a crime to hate the monster staring back at me?
i hate the lie of a life i lead.
and most of all, you stupid mirror on the wall,
i hate that i know better than this.
so i'll glue the jewels to my skin, close my mouth
and smile. "god bless us, everyone."
but i don't mean it, and inside, i'm dying.

response:
delicate porcelain face of angel i see
close your eyes and look with mine
you are beautiful, amazing, too lovely for words
a portrait of God's careful pen stroke
a reflection of His perfection
perfect for your place.
you know what you know and one day, you'll Know
with His vision and His heart
until then, have patience. we are all monsters on the inside.
it's not worth your time trying to hide.
you're accepted
by the One who matters most. 
 

Mi Casa Es Su Casa

12/10/2003

my ears are attune to the melodic persistent ever always beat of just one drum
patum patum patum
and my eyes are focused on just two stars in the sky until night when they close and this gentle murmuring beat lullabyes me away
your voice sings a melody to accompany your heart
i am gone.
gone for you
gone away in a pink and blue colored
dreamland winterworld snowglobe
where my life burns for you
turning ice into oceans
gone from you too soon too soon
locked away behind glass ball
same state, separate globe
for soon, too soon
and then for long
where the drumbeat sounds softly
a faint whisper as a yesterday memory
but these words help me remember
that quiet day in september
when what we had planned became so much better
so i'll pine for you
listening to the song you've recorded in my heart
reminding you everyday for all my days
you're welcome in my snowglobe.

i am a seagull flying in a parking lot
alloted my daily swim in the sky
pining for my ocean view, summer sands, and
tall palm trees that i always forgot to notice
and the parking lot becomes a voluntary jail
and i circle around like a vulture
and i waddle uncertainly like a penguin
and i want to be a california condor
but i'm just a seagull without a sea.

root beer moment lunches with love
root beer cane sugar route 66 symbolic of days to come
but mostly of days to go.
this day will go
just as that has already passed
past root beer moments linger, taste on buds. bittersweet.
only now a memory. or maybe a memory of another
memory.
remember? he said, “June was the end of chapter 1 and chapter 2 has not yet begun.”
what is this then? where do our root beer moments fit, love?
“the page between.”
between? in between finish and start. 1 and 2. 
then ago and then to come.
a blank page? a nothing?
i can’t accept that these months are nothing, mean nothing.
do we have enough story for a chapter of summer?
is this a conclusion or an introduction?
or is this life?
another day paving the way for days to come.
a bookmark for days have gone.
this is my summer.
my transition.

upside downside and around around around push the red button the one never pushed before. up and out.
i'm patient. find your heart in god. we will. slower slower take it steady in his time and power and with hours and hours of endless miles
repeating. seemingly never progressing.
you wake up, 57 miles to san diego
you wake up, home again
you wake up, you go back to sleep
you wake up, kirsten's kissing you too too early in the morning
what i mean is
you're adorable
what i mean is
the road is long
what i mean is
we'll reach our destination
and we'll do it together
and i'm patient and you're a good driver
and god's careful to take care of the hazardous road conditions
our life is a road trip from san francisco to san diego
leaving friends behind. finding new adventures. frustrations. crappy crepes.
and i'll wait for you. if you want to go around a different way, i'll be there admiring the scenery.

hopelessly caught in the center of the teeter
cannot totter
only helplessly controlled by the forces that surround me
sideways, upways, downways
which ways!?
anyways
wishing you were here too to help me keep my balance
last time you were a force
last time you threw me off
last time you laughed as my body flailed and fell
this time i want you in my un-teeter-totter
this time i want you holding me near
fearless.
steadying me.
being with me.
because i miss you.

pant pant pant smile and bark
the open window invite entices and i will fight for my
right to feel flow with the wind
i will push all obstacles out of my way
wind picks me up airplane and fly
under my wandering wings high in the
blue blue oh so blue
and the contrasting ceramic white golden gilded
fingerpainted winter sky
the view from here is worth viewing
look, grandpa, there's our houes
i see it, charlie
see teal turtleneck toddling girl
walking with grandma and pant pant pant
smiling dog
despite the cliche, teal turtleneck stops
drops everything
smells the flowers
though you may've seen them a thousand times
they look new
right and right now
and the scent will overpower
if just for a moment
don't forget to stop
chin up, charlie
it's a beautiful world. 

Eyes glazed as donuts don't lose it don't lose senses
don't stop seeking
Eyes searching as shepherd sought sheep
over under frantic
Eyes darting as dart in the hands of the unskilled
missing target
Find target
Lose Seek Find
Find love in a missing face slapped copy of empty milk carton
missing child Missing love
find now
walk off the plane into sterile shell building empty safe poisonous candy shell Building emotion destroying normalcy and standards of existence
and
the way things are
people going People coming
Losing now here is
Seeking something
Finding everything Finding new next will be
Finding there
Finding there becomes here
In the new here Finding you
Always coming back coming for you
because of love
because God.

ask her what she's feeling
none of that matters
who cares where she shops? they're just clothes.
who cares if she has siblings? she didn't choose them.
favorite poem? could be good, but where's the followup?
ask her why, not what
you're not really getting to know the essence
if you want to tear down the walls, you have to penetrate the sterile glass bubble
sneeze on it
destroy the sterility
infect her with yourselves
share germs
not information
feelings
not facts.
it's been 7 weeks and you're still asking where she lives?
you wonder why this isn't working
it's because you're all just talking
no one is listening.

my pants are wet
my hair is hell-awful
we're running but still late
i smell like garbage
my hands are dirty
i'm hungry
you're sick
there's a piece of shift by the dumpster
and newspaper toilet paper
that was left by a man without a toilet
who ate 2 rats for dinner.

spin spinning dreydl
top balanced delicately dedicatedly
round and round we go
what's been will be
the motion vulnerable to the wind or a table bump
throwing a top is not so difficult and
we're starting to get the hang
hang of it
not hang from it
hang in there
it gets easier. i promise.
we've gotten it wrong
top's been thrown upside down, fallen on side down
but we're spinning again, we're moving again
collecting momentum
and keeping center our center of balance
keeping center our central force
traveling with the centrifugal
ring around the rosy the rosy
hold my hand
help me stand
we won't fall down

confidence shaken by a chain of mistakes
that ended with an emotional car wreck
every action taken requires a second take
mind making potentialities certain
even possibilities incite desperation
induce panic
if's and suppose's locust plague my thoughts
an itch i can't scratch
an irritation that won't cease
its perpetual motion, persistent, insistent
slowly eating away at my sense of normalcy
broken plastic accident
perfume of burning rubber
headlight shine reveal night mare
a black and red dream from which
i cannot awake

silver guidelines, golden sidelines
been to town and back again began begin begun
catch a tiger by the tongue
mixed up matters still matter still do
supercilious condescension
ascension factors of tension
tenacious and facetious
malicious, mischievous
meticulous metal sword and kettle
black, silver wooden and stone thrown down
and listen closely to the sounds
alerting the few, the strong and the proud

perfect peach
piece of pulpy peach
pleasant pick
annoying pit

broken vase
jagged edges
no glue, no sandpaper
not even bubblegum
buy a new one?
or make an impressive mosaic?
i know i need Your glue
permanent, powerful
i can't strop trying to
puzzle it back
it's my favorite cat-
shaped vase

countless colors, undiscovered, uncreated, unabated
diamonds dazzle refracting the neon and the pastel
detracting from focus. distracting. exacting an oppressive
state of confusion even Confucius could not explain
overloaded eyes with sight of realities not yet
overloaded eyes burning with tears not spent
pent up emotion causes sea-brazen thrashing collapsing
wave in the ocean
motion to move
somewhere
else
where 
to go...
down the double yellow lines dividing the middle
and dividing the sides
north, south or east and west
walking along the middle tells me not which way to travel
but i think i'd like to
just not.

silence little lamb, little sheep
count yourself to sleep and deeply dream of things not yet had
greener pastures, perhaps. stiller waters, maybe.
crystal light of lacy stars shimmering in moonlit waters
cool to taste. cool to touch. chill your bones
kept so uncomfortably warm beneath the wool
worlds away in your unconscious bliss
simple silence simple life
walk right
sleep in the day, live in the night
never leave the sight of your shepherd
little lamb so little,
be led.

a million goodbyes. a million hellos.
small feeling, blank check, freckles and nose
my nose.
mon nez
and in a day everything changed from the way that it was
just because. always. it changes.
rearranges. grows, tears, dies or is reborn.
your face looks less forlorn. your shoes are dirty and worn
evidence of all the places you've been. and i've been.
we've been.
but we aren't.
so many of us been and aren't. or were and aren't.
if you want to keep the tense straight.
but straight is predictable
and that's so unlike this life.
it are good to use tenses in ways unstraight.
keeps you on your toes.
throws a little pepper in your soup to be snuffed up your nose.
or maybe like a soft fragrance of a rose that will delight my very soul
for the entirety of eternity
which is oh so ever so long.
unfathomably long.
indescribably long.
maybe long is not even the word to use.
but when do i ever know the right word to use?
if i knew the right words i would be shakespeare or dickinson
instead of a toddler that only says yes
are you a boy? yes.
are you an alien? yes.
are you 10 feet tall? yes.
yes yes yes. only yes and never no.
and that's going to cause some trouble when the aliens come to abduct my soul.
don't tell delilah my weakness. 
she'll chop off my hair and i'll say yes as she does and then i'll be quite bald. 
i like my hair.
but hair grows or goes.
just like a boy and a balloon.
just like life.
life changes.

lipstick disaster and Barbie doll fears
she has knowledge of evil from the tree
but no use for good
underlying her seductive beauty
an insatiable fire of death
scarlet patterns contrived to silence his tongue
she poisons with passion and desperate desire
his mind tormented by the monomaniacal truth of her bosom
this wonderful emotional murder...
risking everything for a fling, for an artificial fairy tale
an imitated fantasy
a terrifying life

life is confuddled, muddled, 
muddy like a playground after a summer's downpour poured down 
down down down and turned things upside around 
i turned and someone had turned the page 
hadn't finished with the first chapter 
and now we're in chapter 18 
18 million. he's millions of miles away but really upstairs 
maybe. i'm never quite sure where. 
tears and torn and worn out emotional sweaters 
which are too hot for summer anyway 
any way any which way you look is another puddle from the may june july gloom 
and i don't feel like stomping.

populated ghost town,
the world in a clouded shrouded misery.
our mysterious delights are superfluous even
to the superficial.
it's official.
tonight she hides from reality beneath
her stained glass umbrella
each drop clearly threatens to shatter her 
security, sincerity.
in her grey discontent there is solace in the streetlight,
brightly shining only in the darkness.
at dawn it disappears and the sun again appears,
chasing away the black and clouds
until they only find haven inside her,
hidden beneath the umbrella of her smile.

Measley minds minding the world
Dig the depths of the golden shimmering
Mines of Knowledge. There's no ledge too high
that cannot beckon us yonder
Travel the un traveled
Explore new explorations, excavations
no vacation could be more rewarding
Except maybe New Zealand
We like New Zealand
I don't know why, it's whyful question goes
unanswered. But surely this surly expression
would heed your suggestion and 
stop the extension of its existence if
we went there. Instead of here.
Oh, here. Hear the silence. It's loud
than the mute or the music to the deaf.
Louder than life. Or rebellious strife.
We say no thing. We beings
being living only in our silly papers.
Tell me, dear child, does the president
embrace new precedents?
Has he traveled the untraveled?
Where is he going and tell me why-ful?
And she or he or we will tell you:
Lula is love. A divine dove bringing
peace and chicken grease to all he seeks to
help. And that's everyone.
The drawforwards outlive the drawbacks
And that's what I know in this silence
In my silly papers which I stare into
Into the deepest depths of the splendid mine
My measly mind easily unravels
the most impressive travels. Extemporaneous is a 
zemper and zanus experience.

intoxicating fumes permeate my residual life
psychedelic memories
bright and certain in uncertainty
it's a certifiable fantasy, a fairytale
with its dragons and witches, princesses and mice
but their stories are neat
mine depletes from completion
the chapter is closed but the author's not finished
ever afters entertain but they maim the realistic reflection
or perceptions that would be conveyed and relayed
in the temporary permanence of the concrete scratch in this book
so take a look. attempt to see
let aesthetic pleasure please and remember my memory
relive my life
find joy in the taste of a fairy tale cocktail once lived
and forever living.

The can is green 
The sunlight causes a sheen 
Or maybe a gleam 
I've never seen such a scene 
So serene 
As the green sheen of this dream 
That screams "Caffeine!" and 
Mountain Dew 

~ 

The beverage is bright 
Yellow, not white 
It is a true sight 
A real delight 
With such beauty & might 
Not heavy, but light 
A shortage would incite 
A dastardly fight 
I need one each night 
That's right, a 
Mountain Dew 

~ 

If I could I would 
Define what is Good as 
"Mountain Dew"

indifference is not neutral, it's deference to the difficulty 
of choosing one or the other
or another 
you smother the emotion; my emotions run free, untangled, they tangle around me
like knots. my stomach knots. the doors knocks.
no one's there.
the absence of a somebody is not neutral. it's nobody.
and i'm lonely because i anticipated a someone but the someone disappeared
fade into the background. check one. check two. two becomes one.
the one becomes none.
it's all understood. i could if you would.
but you won't. or maybe you would but you don't.
this scene seems unclean. the background is hazy. the actors are lazy. i'm crazy.
as soon as i make up my mind. rewind. begin to untwine.
take thirty-eight. but never the same.
it's a new game. new cheats, new rules, new players.
i've got green. you take the car.
let's go.
let go.

I stand at the edge
of a chasm
one thousand miles wide.

I could cry out
but the reply would be
from those who mustn't hear.

My emotions are bottled
and overflow from my eyes.

The promised land
one thousand miles away.
I need to breach the gap.

I need you to remember me
standing here alone.
 

Anonymous forces of
plastic masks,
olive jumpsuits,
and steel death.
Caricatures from the movies
only now, from reality.

They came in their riot gear
to silence the protest of those 
who were not rioting.

The gas induced not tears
but asphyxiation
Red-hot rods of steel
and ablepsy.

A modern-day David against Goliath
This time, Goliath won.
 

God's furious breath rushes around me
Seeking to repress
Impeding my vision

Beneath the weight of this natural force
I can hold nothing.
I am helpless to resist.

Time carries me onward.
 

pt 2	12/15/2002

One...two...
She runs to find
the spot.

The perfect place.
The goal.
The destination.

...skip a few,
ninety-nine...

Where is it?

Ready
or not...
 

in Your light, i see only light
it engulfs me and i feel blind
lost in Your brilliance
but also as though
for the first time
i can truly see
and for the first time
i am truly found

at Your holiness 
i dare not look
but You enrapture and amaze
and i dare not look away
for fear that if i do
this will all vanish

and it is my only desire to remain
right here
at Your feet
in Your light
in this purity
forevermore.
 

You and me
Atomically destined.
Proton and electron. 
Opposites charges attract.
But this atomic configuration is less than ideal
Your orbital is maddening.
Always around, around, round and round
Energy in constant motion

Baby, you're radioactive
Emit your blue-green glow
Let's synthesize.
 

I'm carrying an elephant
I'm lifting up a house
I'm digging my own grave

nothing comes easily
but I will persevere
we both will

and on the days when
my burdens are too heavy
and on the days when
the sky is tinted gray
I will remember Him

my strength will increase
the sun comes up
the gray fades to brilliance
a new day is born

And I am alive.
 

They say, "All that shimmers
is sure to fade." And that,
"All good things
come to pass."
Well, you're good.
So I can't help thinking...
But I can't seem to shake
the way you look when you laugh.
And I can't seem to forget
the way you look when you smile.

They say, "Smiles are contagious."
Yours most of all...
But what do I care?
Infect me.
In fact, if you'll be so kind
as to give me every germ you have,
I would be most appreciative.

They say, "The grass is
ALWAYS greener." But
I can't help thinking
that the grass is greenest
right exactly where I'm at.

For all the things they say,
I have yet to say anything at all.
It's just that --
I think we're --
Or rather, I wish I --
It's all so --
In the end, words just cannot
possibly describe.
I think I'd rather communicate
nonverbally.

With such care
you take my strings.
You lift me up
and give me life.
With such skill
you make me dance.

Puppetmaster,
you are in control
So make me
Take me
Move me
Use me

I don't know this routine
but I won't refuse you.
For my strings are in your hands
and I know you won't let me fall.

I'm just a silly puppet,
but look what you've let me do.
How far I've come...
I love where you've led me.

Please, puppetmaster,
never release my strings.
Guide my every step,
for a puppet by itself
is only a pile of wood.

If I took a gun
and blew off your head,
would you notice something was missing
or would you walk and talk
as mindlessly as you do now?

Find your head.
It's on the floor.
See that face?
It's your own.
Put it on.
Show the world how beautiful 
you really are.

Whenever I think I know what I want
it fades away.
I thought I wanted you.

Like an oasis shimmering in the desert
Like God to a ruined man
Like a star falling to its dismal end

I seek for what I want
but I see through ableptic vision.

They peer between the cracks
of the newly formed wall
They both wish
with all their hearts
to delay the inevitable.
But the wall has been built.

On opposite sides
"So near and yet
so far."
Their faces are hidden
Hidden, tear-stained, and
alone.

Plagued with desire to climb the wall
Tortured with the uncertainty
and fear:
"What is on the other side?"

Yesterday I knew...
so quickly the wall was built. 

Carefully crafted
A true piece of crap.
(Crap?)
Art.
A true piece of art.

Every notch and every curve
Painstakingly carved or whittled
Shaved, sanded, and polished.

I mixed the paint and painted it
myself.
(You painted yourself?)
Yes. Yes, I did.
I painted myself.

The first color has been
completely hidden
Behind the perfect mask. 

They searched with all their beings.
Trying to find that one thing.
The only thing that could complete the puzzle.
The time slipped away too fast.
And they came up empty.
"One hundred dollars to the Red Team!"
And you lose.

"O dark, dark, 
d a r k, 
amid the blaze of noon…"

Past the invisible
What do I see?
Nothing.
Absolutely
nothing.

Who robbed me of my sight?
Who stole the eyes of my mind?
I don't know
how
I feel
blind.

I grope for a wall,
but find only the floor.
And I search for the hay,
but find only the needle.

Nyctophobic
and someone turned off my sun.

Never punch cement walls.
Your knuckles bruise
but the wall still stands,
condescendingly.

My knuckles hurt.
Stupid wall.
BREAK!
I will if you will... 

I am
everything
you think I am.
And more.

My cup overflows
and I watch
steel wine
fall to my lap.

Drip.
      Drip.
            Drip.

Arms folded
across my chest.
Look at the ceiling!
Light catches it at such a
peculiar angle.

Stained
due to my remiss.

perfect in every way
my pen of blue
makes me happy when I'm not
my lovely pen

the tip
is extra fine
the ink
is navy blue

when I write with my pen
I become free
when I write with my pen
I seem to fly

as a bird
I fly
with my pen
I fly

my pen I love
I wish I were
my pen also
then I would be

glad